PAGES:

Home

News/General

Weather

Chris "Pac Man" Scott's column

3/24/2008:  "An ode to The Boat"

This weekend, I traded in the car that I drove for
about 3 years that I referred to as "The Boat".  The
car had problems from the very 1st day I drove it, but
the problems had become too much of a hassle to
consider the peice of shit to be a reliable source of
transportation. 

Since I could remember, it always had problems with
draining power while being turned off.  My Dad found
that the buttons to the powerseats had been mashed to
the floor, always pressing the up button.  We fixed t,
but I wentthrough about 4 batteries in a 2 year span.
Not to menton averaging abiut 6-8 phone calls to AAA
for a jump start every fuckin' year.  Later, I would
learn that the hatch to open the gas cap didn't work,
the remote to the car didn't work, the key didn't work
with the passenger side front door, and the power
locks didn't work for the passenger side back door.
The biggest problem that I had with the car was when
the stearing wheel would lock up whenever I drove
through a fuckin' puddle!

After I learned all of the car's quarks, all was fine
and dandy.  After the "Blizzard of 2008", the car
wouldn't start.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it
didn't.  We had to change the alternator, but it
didn't seem to help.  Luckly, it started as we drove
it around town to find a new clunker to replace The
Boat.

In parting words to the 1994 Ford Taurus that had to
be "put to pasture", you were a pile of shit; but you
got the job done.  You provided 3 years of
transportational service (when you worked) and for
that I say thanks.

oops, I'm 1 "bad word" short of my requirements.

Life's a bitch.  

3/04/2008: "Marysville:  Home of 5 Marathon stations" I made a shocking discovery after returing to M'ville following a dog sitting venture.  I used to joke about Marysville having 3 Shell stations because I thought there was no way a small town needed 3 of the same gas station.  I looked around and each of those Shell stations had been sold to Marathon, the shittiest fuel money can buy!  Add in the 2 Marathon stations that already put up shop, Marysville has 5 FUCKIN' MARATHON STATIONS!

Who in the blue hell decided that a small town (compared to Dublin, which is a small town compared to Columbus) needed 5 gas stations of ghetto feul?  At least Shell is quality gas; Marathon is to Faygo as Shell is to Coke.  Second rate shit!  Plus, what about my Shell gas card?  Is it now fuckin' useless?  Are all the Shell stations selling out to Marathon?  I want answers, damn it!

In other news, happy birthday to the big C's significant other Sarah.

2/13/08: "Greeting cards are bullshit!"

I think that somes up the lesson I re-learn every year around Feb. 6th. You see, Feb. 6th is my birthday, and Feb. 7th is the birthday of my sister and one of my aunts. It's what I like to call Birthdaypalooza! Greeting card companies always get a sales boost around this time due to my family's obsession with them; and I just don't get it. As a matter of fact, I consider greeting cards to be one of the biggest wastes of money around and just as big of a guilt trip in the end. Until the end of time greeting card companies will always have the American public by the balls.

How are they a waste of money; you ask? Well, let's pretend that the average cost of a card is $3.00 (none of you can prove me wrong because nobody looks at the price when buying these things). Not bay, you say? Well, let's list the holidays where it is seemingly manditory to get one of your family members a card:

Christmas

Birthday

Easter

St. Patrick's Day

Mother's/Father's Day

Valentine's Day

Halloween

Thanksgiving

Add them up and it's roughly $21 per person a year ($24 for parents); and that's not counting get well soon cards, thank you cards, and congratulations for whatever cards. Plus add the fact that it's an unwritten rule that you must send everybody you know a Christmas card, and it can be costly.

How are greeting cards a guilt trip? There is no rule on how long you have to keep the card without looking like a complete asshole. As far as I'm concerned, after I read the card and collected what may or may not be inside the card, it's garbage. It's been read, the moment's over, done deal. Try throwing away a card right after reading and watch the people around you. You'll get the "you're eating a plate full of puppies!" look from everybody who isn't wasted and it'll make you feel like shit. So what ends up happening? You never throw it away and it rots on your table until someone else throws it away for you or someone says "You still have this?" and your body follows suit.

It's a known trait that I don't buy greeting cards for any occasions (except birthdays and I usually go the e-card route for that even) and I'm sure my family thinks I'm a cheap prick for it and it's one of the reasons I have such a low number of friends (hopefully the absence of cards hasn't hurt the big C's feelings). I just don't see the need to fork over good money on such an unnecessary piece of cardboard unless I have no gift (which never happens). Send your hate mail to sugarcoverediceburg@yahoo.com because I seem to be the only who thinks greeting cards are bullshit as the Hallmark empire continues to hold America's balls firmly.

2/4/2008: "Super Bowl"

Last night I witnessed one of the best Super Bowl games I've ever seen in Super Bowl 42.

The New York Giants saved us all of yet another New England Patriots championship, another shitty souless speech by Bill Belichik, and more ego stroking by the city of Boston. Eli Manning, in 1 night, changed the publics perception of him from "a 1st round bust" to "a calm, cool, and collected leader".

As readers of my last post recall, I was rooting for the Giants due to Marysville native Chase Blackburn being on the team. If NY didn't win that game, then that very man would have been perceived as the next Leon Lett; another dumbass bonehead player that cost his team the Super Bowl. Luckily for him and the city of Marysville, the arrogance of the Patriots coaching staff prevented themselves from scoring an easy 3 points by going for it on 4th and 13 inside the 30 yard line and failing to convert. That move proved to be costly because if they had gotten the 3, the games would have been tied and the Pats could've won it in Overtime.

The best part of Super Bowl 42 was the fact that it was a clean game. No personal fouls were committed and no bullshit calls by the officials for fans to complain about. It's the was football should be played. 2 teams giving their all to get the W.

Unlike the game, the commercials left something to be desired. Another lame-ass Garmin commercial, several companied not even bothering to make a new spot for the biggest advertising stage of the fucking year, and Sobe trying to get me to buy their Life Water by showing a dog drinking from his water bowl. Here, however, are my top 5 commercials of the night:

1. Budweiser: "Wheel Suck"

2. Coca-Cola: "Balloon Fight"

3. E-Trade: "Trading Baby with Creepy Clown"

4. Budweiser: "Dalmation Trains Reject Clydesdale"

5. Diet Pepsi Max "Night at the Roxbury"

Hope all of you enjoyed the big game as much as I did!

1/29/2008:

As the main man has told you, Clint and I met at the Ohio Center for Broadcasting in Cincinnati, OH. We were both fresh out of high school, and in a new town knowing both jack and shit about the culture (well, at least it was the case for me). For those who didn't approve of the cursing in the last sentence, you shouldn't be checkin' this site out anyway and Clint has demanded a minimum 5 of those special words per post; so to bad Fuck Nuggets!

Now that I've somewhat introduced myself, I'd like to discuss what it's like to lve in Ohio, the land on 2nd best!

It all started in the BCS Championship game in 2007. As THEE Ohio State Buckeyes bumbled their way to an embarrassing defeat to Florida, it set the tone for sports for the rest of the year. In collage basketball, THEE Ohio State Basketbucks found their way into the NCAA Championship game, and sucked a bog ol' dick and lost the game........to Florida. In the NBA, the only team representing Ohio, the Cleveland Cavs, rode LeBron James to the Championship game only to lay down to the San Antonio Spurs. Even in Arena Football, the Columbus Destroyers lucked their way into the AFL Championship game only for the magic to run out as they lost to whatever team of shit pickles beat them.

Fast forward to 2008, where THEE Ohio State Buckeyes, once again, lost the BCS Championship game to LSU. Is a repeat of 2007 on the horizon for the great state of Ohio? Will The Cincinnati Reds make it to the World Series only to lose to the Yankees? Will the Basketbucks make it through the NCAA tournament only to fail when it's important once again........to LSU? Only time will tell, but I sure hope not.

As for the Super Bowl, go Giants. See, I hail from the great city of Marysville, the birthplace of the New York Giants special teamer Chase Blackburn. Break the trend, buddy! Tackle the piss out of the Patriots! There, 5 curse words achieved!

Pac Mizzle

Go Back